acceptance
So, here I am sulking in my failure this morning. I won't go into detail about this failure. If you're close to me, you already know. But the point is, something didn't go my way. I have failed myself, failed my goals, and by proxy, failed another goal by terrifying myself of even working toward that goal for fear of failing it as well. Although those two things are markedly different, they're similar enough to where that I want to just opt out. At least for now, until I get my bearings about me again, whenever that is.
One can only be faced with so much disappointment in one particular subject before they don't want to try again, to avoid said disappointment, OR they are willing to try, but all they know is the let down, so their confidence in trying is so low, they're likely not going to succeed.
I will move past it, I'll regain myself again over it. I may not ever regain my confidence, but I will regain something. It is just not time for this to happen.
It should be obvious that this time of year makes things difficult to deal with for me. Things that normally would just roll off my back do not just roll off my back. They stick on my shoulders and they're as heavy as the world. I'm a dick, and its easy to see. My patience is thin. My emotions are a tad unstable, despite all odds. My diet suffers, I try to stress eat. The weather is changing, its dark when I go into work and it reminds me that soon, not only will it be dark when I go in to work, but also when I get out of work, so I feel like I truly never see the light of day for like, no less than 48 hours at a time. That is a little depressing in itself. It makes me want to put a long sleeved shirt, pajamas, and socks on and cover up with a blanket on the couch with a candle burning and hot coffee in my hand. And maybe airplane cookies nearby.
But I digress. The point is I have to learn to be thankful. But its going to take me a few days, I need some time to learn not to be ungrateful for what I do have.
Someone reality checked me this morning, unintentionally. I was sitting over here at my desk, no doubt looking like I wanted to set someone ablaze, and they asked "what's wrong with you this morning Amberly, are you okay?" and of course I answered with a "mehh, I'm fine. Just annoyed." because I don't really want to go into detail about my specific issue with anyone. I'm embarrassed enough as it is, haha. They responded with "oh, probably something to do with a guy!" in a joking fashion, because you know us women, usually we're peeved about something a man or our man has done, or whatever. Perfectly valid assumption. But at that point, I had to jump in and defend my man...I said "no, actually, it has nothing to do with him. He never does me this way. He's actually the most stable and steadfast thing in my life." and another coworker said "Yeah he's a good guy, he doesn't do that!" because they've heard enough about him via me, (since him and my kiddos, well, and flying, are like all I ever talk about)...to know, that he is only good for me. It was like I had sat here and smacked my own self right in the face. You dummy! So after that conversation ended, it left me sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have someone like him. How I've never been connected with someone to that degree...not that other people didn't make an effort; I guess I wasn't interested in letting anyone else in. And for a reason, I guess, there wasn't anyone else that was meant to be let in like that. I was waiting on him, I just didn't know.
And we're coming up on a year of us being together. Just like that. A whole year. Crazy. Life has changed drastically for the both of us but I can't complain.
My point is...I am nearly 32 years old and I'm still teaching myself to have acceptance. Acceptance that maybe right now some things aren't meant to come to fruition. Or maybe not ever. But I have to move along and either work toward a different goal, or something else. Maybe the same goal when I'm done being butt hurt about this one. And to do that I must focus on what I do have. There are literally 3 things I would change about my life if I could. I won't outline them. But 3. And they are things I have no control over. Not that it has ever kept me from trying anyway. So I'd call that a win for the most part. and when 97% of your life is winning, who are you to complain?
Will that stop me from complaining today? No. Not no, but hell no.
:P
xoxo
One can only be faced with so much disappointment in one particular subject before they don't want to try again, to avoid said disappointment, OR they are willing to try, but all they know is the let down, so their confidence in trying is so low, they're likely not going to succeed.
I will move past it, I'll regain myself again over it. I may not ever regain my confidence, but I will regain something. It is just not time for this to happen.
It should be obvious that this time of year makes things difficult to deal with for me. Things that normally would just roll off my back do not just roll off my back. They stick on my shoulders and they're as heavy as the world. I'm a dick, and its easy to see. My patience is thin. My emotions are a tad unstable, despite all odds. My diet suffers, I try to stress eat. The weather is changing, its dark when I go into work and it reminds me that soon, not only will it be dark when I go in to work, but also when I get out of work, so I feel like I truly never see the light of day for like, no less than 48 hours at a time. That is a little depressing in itself. It makes me want to put a long sleeved shirt, pajamas, and socks on and cover up with a blanket on the couch with a candle burning and hot coffee in my hand. And maybe airplane cookies nearby.
But I digress. The point is I have to learn to be thankful. But its going to take me a few days, I need some time to learn not to be ungrateful for what I do have.
Someone reality checked me this morning, unintentionally. I was sitting over here at my desk, no doubt looking like I wanted to set someone ablaze, and they asked "what's wrong with you this morning Amberly, are you okay?" and of course I answered with a "mehh, I'm fine. Just annoyed." because I don't really want to go into detail about my specific issue with anyone. I'm embarrassed enough as it is, haha. They responded with "oh, probably something to do with a guy!" in a joking fashion, because you know us women, usually we're peeved about something a man or our man has done, or whatever. Perfectly valid assumption. But at that point, I had to jump in and defend my man...I said "no, actually, it has nothing to do with him. He never does me this way. He's actually the most stable and steadfast thing in my life." and another coworker said "Yeah he's a good guy, he doesn't do that!" because they've heard enough about him via me, (since him and my kiddos, well, and flying, are like all I ever talk about)...to know, that he is only good for me. It was like I had sat here and smacked my own self right in the face. You dummy! So after that conversation ended, it left me sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have someone like him. How I've never been connected with someone to that degree...not that other people didn't make an effort; I guess I wasn't interested in letting anyone else in. And for a reason, I guess, there wasn't anyone else that was meant to be let in like that. I was waiting on him, I just didn't know.
And we're coming up on a year of us being together. Just like that. A whole year. Crazy. Life has changed drastically for the both of us but I can't complain.
My point is...I am nearly 32 years old and I'm still teaching myself to have acceptance. Acceptance that maybe right now some things aren't meant to come to fruition. Or maybe not ever. But I have to move along and either work toward a different goal, or something else. Maybe the same goal when I'm done being butt hurt about this one. And to do that I must focus on what I do have. There are literally 3 things I would change about my life if I could. I won't outline them. But 3. And they are things I have no control over. Not that it has ever kept me from trying anyway. So I'd call that a win for the most part. and when 97% of your life is winning, who are you to complain?
Will that stop me from complaining today? No. Not no, but hell no.
:P
xoxo
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