5 days short of two years

8/28/16

Year after year, its almost been TWO years. I never thought I'd make it past one year, that I'd have to live one year, without her...now we're tailgating two. Two whole entire years. Roughly 730 days. Almost 104 Tuesdays...These numbers continue to climb. Its two thousand freaking sixteen. Two thousand fourteen is long gone. My heart and mind and everything associated with it is stuck in 14 and probably always will be.

When I think of 'us' - I think my soul, or a huge part of it anyway, left when she did, went straight with her...and its just floating, wandering, trying to find its way back to her. I wonder if her soul is looking for mine? Or are they somehow still intertwined and they never separated?

Then theres the other 'us' which includes all of us...Tommy, me, Shade, Emma, and Isaac...the whole us, the us that will never truly be, but is imagined day after day as something we wish were real, a pipe dream at best but one that is fond to look upon in general. Its like a good champagne...sweet but just a bite right at the end.

Two years ago, I was 38 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I was still highly irritated that I hadn't had her yet...and I truly do not know if I was more annoyed that I was still pregnant, or if I hadn't had her. I suppose it was a mixture of both. I'd like to say it was just because I was eager to meet her, but the me now knows better...the naive me before thought it was okay to be selfish like that and complain about being so pregnant and no sign of delivering when its 45325 degrees outside and I'm working what felt like 9368 hours a week on my feet. Okay to say things like "ugh I'm so over being pregnant. I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over." Not that there's anything wrong with saying that but once you say that and a bad outcome follows I can guarantee you'll say something different next time.

Who knew that in just 5 days...she would certainly be here, but nowhere close to what we all imagined. We imagined a surprise delivery in the middle of the night like Shade, being forced to go into the hospital because I wanted to labor it out at home. A loud, screaming, warm, pink baby girl ready to be dressed in all these super cute clothes and bows I had collected. We received the devastating news of the lack of her heart beating, and a cold, silent, sterile delivery where none of the aforementioned happened. No crying. No pink. No warm. No dressing up or being happy.

Unless you've experienced it, I cannot begin to explain what kind of other worldly, sac religious experience it is to deliver a baby, regardless of the mode of delivery, and hear nothing but silence. So quiet you can hear the tears hitting the floor.

This week, I am working extra hard not to let my mind go where it wants to go, because I want to honor her and remember her with fondness. I want to do well by her. Not that she would be angry for my grieving because that'll never end...but I'm working extra hard to find her in everything, digging for signs she's still around me somewhere. I have a lot to do, decisions to be made. Work, home, photography, support, children, and a family...all requiring my undivided attention, and I need to be on my game, because my patients at work deserve the best care. In a perfect world, I'd take off the entire week surrounding September 2nd, and I'd do all the things that remind me of her. In fact, this just dawned on me...I think that I will make that a tradition from now on.

I'll spend this week from here on out, hiking...enjoying nature, listening to music, coloring photos, painting, crafting, photographing...doing all the things we did when we were together. Replaying the activities the week leading up to her birth. I am surprised I never thought of this myself.

I always anticipate September 2nd all year long and how it's going to be. Well, the two years I've had to anticipate. Last year I was 34 weeks pregnant with Isaac and had plenty to occupy my mind. This year, I still have plenty to occupy my mind, but less internal distractions. 

 

This year, we have cake, more prayer paper, sky lanterns, and etc planned for her birthday. I plan to release the prayer paper at her grave. Have cake here at home for her with family around. Release sky lanterns at dusk for her on Leeco, a place that I feel close to her, and I don't think its because its Leeco, and I frequented it that summer there for photo shoots and off roading...but because the closer to the sky I am, the closer I feel to her. Put me on top of any tall mountain and I can feel her...

I'm not concerned with a big event. I don't want anything for show for her, I only want those who WANT to be there, to be there, I am not going to kill myself inviting people and making sure they'll come because those who were close to her will make their way to us, just as they did when she was here.

But that is it...5 days, as we start the countdown to September 2nd...already...how quickly time flies, but how long ago it seems. 

 

xoxo