Its not even 10am yet on my one day off, and I've been up with Isaac for a couple hours. He decided not to sleep in today, which is fine, because I enjoy our morning alone time. My sweet Shadey is in the bed still. He's my late sleeper, always has been. Issac does too, but sometimes he knows just what Mommy needs, and sometimes that's getting out of bed earlier than I had planned.
Oh summer...its nice to see you...with all your flowers, greenery, and bugs, haha.
I've been having episodes of, I don't know what you'd call them, but my brain is once again stuck in Fall...dare I say Fall 2014. I put a tart in my tart burner a couple days ago because I was out of spring, fresh smelling tarts and it was a scent that I'd normally only burn during the winter months. Cinnamon roll or something like that..baked fudge brownie, you know, those types. And just like its known to do, the smell took me back to fall. And I can't just "go back to fall" without it being fall 2014. I am fully aware that my mind and body and soul will forever be paused on 9/2/14. But it throws me because I LOVE summer and beg for it to hurry up and be here ALLLLLL winter long. And here I am inside, cooking breakfast, smelling fall tarts, and wondering why I still have this good tan and shorts on. Normally, the last few summers, unless I was cooking my whole family something for breakfast or dinner, I didn't do a lot of cooking aside from grilling out in the summer. And that was obviously different, standing outside in the heat over a grill, duh. Anyway...I think cooking of the mornings in the summer (I'm dieting and eating healthy so I can't just always pop a poptart or a muffin in my mouth and call it breakfast like I could when I was pregnant) is throwing my brain off, because cooking is something I tend to do more of in the fall. So here we are sitting with scrambled eggs sizzling in my smaller skillet so I can let Isaac try his first bite of eggs, which by the way he LOVED, and he shoved them in his mouth by the handfuls....lol....and turkey bacon wafting its smell all over the house (my exhaust on the stove is messed up - time to get a new one, I need a matching one anyway since we got new appliances), toast in the toaster, and my plate that I bought because it brought Emma to mind when we were on vacation last week.
My point is, after all that rambling is that I'm a summer girl. But I find myself wishing myself back to fall where I feel close to her. Which in itself is backwards because I always feel closer to her in the spring...we did the most together then. Photo shoots, road trips, going to eat at our favorite cafe, hiking, lots of porch sitting and lemonade drinking, cereal eating, planting flowers, applying and following up on job apps on my laptop on the porch while Shade played in his sandbox trying to stay afloat with only one income (come to think of it I don't care how rich I ever get I will appreciate the time when we were at our lowest because it allowed me to bond with my babygirl and not even know it and that was so precious in the end...), crafting and all the other things I found time to do before I was back to work in May. Then we transition to late spring/early summer where I started back work at the nursing home, then I went through a couple bouts of sicknesses, strep, stomach virus, etc and I wont go there of where I get hung up with guilt about my sicknesses either...then we went on vacation, I traded my VW for my Honda CRV right before...I came back and finally started my first ER job where I still am today. Spending the rest of my summer on my feet and working and trying not to croak due to the fact that Emma loved being in the head down position wth her chunky self.
Actually blogging in itself reminds me of fall. I obviously blog more in the winter. My mind races with ideas to write down then they flutter away once I get here anymore. Albeit my medication allows me to focus more in general, but there are times when its all jumbled up. Face it my life is all jumbled up.
Fast forward to 1:15pm
Usually all I have to do is walk outside and feel the summer air and realize I'm not in September 2014. But even then for the first little while it was still warm. Then the cool air came and wilted the greenery and leaves fell and there we were...
Here's something funny and sad at the same time. I find myself wondering what I'm doing with my life if I'm not pregnant right now. LOL. I've been pregnant the last two springs and summers. Do something for two whole years then all of a sudden not do it, and see if it doesn't throw you off balance a bit. I often wonder if I'll be pregnant next summer...or the summer after that. Obviously with our financial situation and housing that is not a great idea but my goal is to make it to where that it IS a good idea and nobody will do without. Of course I have issues with the thought of moving or anything due to the fact that Emma's grave would be further away from me and everything I've ever went through since marriage good or bad has been inside these walls....that's a whole other blog though.
We just spent a week at the beach. A whole week that felt like a day. This was the first year since 2013 that I've been able to physically enjoy myself. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy myself when I was pregnant with Emma and Isaac, but in 2014 I was soooo worn down and sore and probably enjoyed myself more than I did the following year, mentally speaking, but even then...I couldn't lay flat on a beach towel, couldn't go ride the waves, couldn't have a cocktail on the porch or on the beach or out at lunch or dinner. Of course all those things are trivial, but I'm just giving examples. 2015, not only could I not walk up a flight of stairs without almost dying especially if it was hot, but I was doubly sore in different places due to the fact that my body, although not even 30, was worn down from growing two humans in less than a year. And mentally, I was still in a bad place. Not that I'm ever in a 'good' place so to speak because I don't know if there is a good place to hide, because its not something you can run from nor something that you'd want to run from... but then...I was mixed with depression, terror, nervousness, pain, wishing, wondering... just all kinds of things that are a little more settled now.
I let Emma be known alllll over Mirlo Beach...
These are just two, for example. I got a little better at my sand writing lol. But I won't lie, I had a great vacation, of course its always going to be subpar to life before because I'm always missing something. There's just an edge of what I'm missing always lurking, even though I've had the best time I've had in years down there. My second home. Where I feel close to Emma, because we went there, it was yet another place where she existed alive with me.
My boys and my hubby enjoyed themselves and that's all I can ask for! I shopped for whatever I wanted and we did all kinds of things.
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| Lori & I |
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| Isaac when we first arrived |
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| The birthday boy!! |
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| Lori & Alex |
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| My boys & I at sunset on the sound |
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| Hubby & Shade at sunset on the pier in Rodanthe |
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| Hubby & I |
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| Just another day at the beach (RIP umbrella) |
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| view from the top of Green Lantern Light |
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| Lori and I soaking up the sun |
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| being brothers at the seafood place on Ocracoke |
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| having fun on the spiral rotunda |
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| out for thrifting, seafood, and drinks @ Sandbar & Grille, must go back!! |
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| when we first arrived, after the long drive!! |
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| sunset from the house, sound side |
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| We celebrated Shade's 5th birthday with cake and presents, surprised him when he came downstairs!! |
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| morning reading, coffee, and painting my nails. |
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| Hubby and Isaac on the sound |
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| Excited little bday boy |
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| wearing Isaac on the pier at Rodanthe |
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| the last sunrise on the beach, just me, music, and finding seashells and writing names in the sand. |
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| Nude Beach |
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| sunset on the pier at rodanthe |
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| Cape Hatteras Lighthouse |
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| selfie on the ferry to Ocracoke |
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| having fun in the sound water |
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| a day in the sun on the sound side |
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| the wind and sand prevented us from getting family pics, but here is my little bunch on our last day <3 |
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| the ride there and back was a little cramped :) but a whole car full of love. Emma's bear is in the back seat, too. |
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| all my boys <3 |
I always have a point when I start blogging then lose track...lol. I can't help but think how blessed I am. I have three absolutely gorgeous, perfect children. One of them isn't here with me but the two that are, just make my day, every day. They are what I live for. I'm gone for work a lot, but its not by choice and hopefully one day they'll know the only reason I was gone was because I wanted to make a life for them that they didn't want for anything and had the best they could possibly get. I think of just how many people I've met through this journey, and hopefully they will see that they can make it just like I have. They won't be the same person, or even a shadow of the same person they were 'before' but they will make it. they will be a new person, their cracks and broken pieces filled with a new kind of love, hope, and appreciation for life.
Summer is just beginning, and I am determined to do more, love more, appreciate more than I have the last little while since I'm physically in shape and mentally in a halfway decent spot, because every single day I sit and reminisce and wonder 'what if?' but I am living with that, I know that is my life. Its like a pain that I have learned to deal with. I don't ignore it or treat it but I work with it and I let it be a part of my daily life because without those memories and pain I have nothing left of her. I want to do the things I didn't get to do the last few summers and squeeze every last possible drop of summer out that I can. Spending it with people who actually care, who have been there for me consistently, those I can trust. Forget the rest, and hang out with the best.
<3 <3 here's to summer 2016 and finding Emma in every little nook and cranny <3 <3
xoxoxo
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