The History of Mother's Day
Its my 6th Mother's Day. In 2011, I was full term with Shade. I celebrated Mother's Day because I felt like I should celebrate me for mothering my son in my womb. Not even a month later, I gave birth to him, alive and well.
Fast forward to Mother's Day 2014, I was about 5 months pregnant with Emma. I had one of the best mother's days I had ever had. We bought our mothers some flowers to plant and we went out for some good food just me and my boys and Emma kicking around in my belly.
Fast forward to Mother's Day 2015 and my world had since fallen apart and been crushed by the boot of life. I was still a mother, nevertheless, but I was now missing the child I was supposed to have had, who would soon be turning 8 months old. She was gone. Just like that...Sure I'm thankful for my Shade, but that didn't take away the pain of Emma being so unfairly jerked away from me. I was pregnant with Isaac, about 4 months, but, I was still so in shock and disbelief I didn't believe he'd come home either.
Fast forward to Mother's Day 2016. I have Isaac here, happy and healthy and smiling from his stander while he's watching Color Crew on TV and Shade is sitting in the floor building legos by the door. Emma is still in Heaven, that has not changed.
There are many of us, not just me, who woke up this morning missing something. Who wake up every morning missing something. I have seen several posts today that have rubbed me the wrong way...people recognizing all kinds of different mothers, step mothers, infertile mothers (which most def deserves recognition) regular mothers, adopted mothers, etc but not mothers who have had their children and had to immediately or too soon - give their children back. Not bereaved mothers...now who would wanna mention that anyway?? I've seen it a LOT today.
There are a lot of ways to define a mother.
Waking up and remembering Emma isn't here...is indescribable and yet I know several people who feel that same way, and who have just learned how that way feels this weekend. I feel that its incredibly unfair to lose a child on or around Mother's Day. As if their Mother's Day won't be horrible forever, this just adds salt to the wound. I have to question things at this point like any other person would.
I would like to hope that people who have all their children here with them are super thankful. That they realize how fast it can be stolen away from you. How fast your heart can be broken.
On every Mother's Day, my heart remains split in two. Part of its here, part of its there. I feel like I should have a sign on me that says I have a daughter who was here! Because I feel so bad that I can't tell literally everyone about her beautiful soul. That there are people who see me day in and day out who don't know about her. People who see me with my boys and assume I just have the two boys and how blessed I am to have the two boys. the infertile mom who sees me in public and is jealous and probably thinks I take my "two" kids for granted. Oh if they knew just how much I understood what its like to go without one of my children forever.
Society has started to recognize Bereaved Mothers, finally. So much so that now there is a separate, actual International Bereaved Mother's Day and it was on May 1st this year. How wonderful is it to know we are not alone? Although this is the worst experience for us, it is enlightening to know we're not by ourselves in our grief.
Whether you're infertile, the sufferer of a miscarriage or miscarriages, 2nd trimester loss, stillbirth, infant death, child death, multiple child death...whether you have ZERO or 10 children here on earth...let me remind you. YOU ARE JUST AS MUCH OF A MOTHER as anyone else. Including those people who are posting Happy Mothers Day posts where you don't fit in. Where they don't count you because its probably "sad". You are a mother. No matter how many nasty comments you receive, no matter how many inappropriate suggestions you hear on how you need to "get over it" or how you should "move on" or how "they're in a better place" or how "everything happens for a reason"...remember, you're a mother and there's no timeline on grief and you don't have to move on or get over it. There is NO reason this should've happened. There is no better place for your child than in your arms. I understand that...
For those of you who this is your first Mother's Day without your precious child...I understand. I remember. I know how hard it is. I am thinking of you...would you think of me?
I miss my girl so badly, if only I could put it into words. As hard as I try, I can't. The closest I can come today is that it feels like someone cut a hole in your chest with a chainsaw, slowly. Is using their hand and long jagged fingernails to grasp your heart. Then they are slowly pulling it out, vein by vein, vessel by vessel, strand of flesh by strand. Its out now and they're stomping it and laughing. Grief is laughing at you and the devil is clapping and egging him on. Your hands are all but tied. Standing there forced to endure this feeling, forever. How do you spend forever without the one you were meant to love?
I would not say time makes it easier. I would say that time allows you to understand your path and to comfort yourself in ways you didn't know how to before. I'd say that much like a person who lives with chronic pain -- you don't forget the pain is there. If its not in the front of your mind its in the back, but it NEVER ever goes away...just sometimes less and less frequently you step the wrong way and you go down. Once you're down its difficult to get up. Thats when it hurts the most. Your reality check. This still happened to you. No matter how far away on the timeline you move from it, it still happened and it will always have happened.
Today my plan aside from relaxing, is to go visit Emma's grave and make sure things are up to par there and to finally put her angel wings up I ordered forever ago, since it took me a million years to find the correct size shepherds hooks to hang it with. I take the fact I accidentally ran up on them as a little sign from her that she wants me to visit her resting place and that she knew I would need to this weekend. Truthfully, Mother's Day snuck up on me this year. I didn't know it was so close. Last year I spent weeks dreading it and hoping it wouldn't come. I wonder if when I'm thinking of her, she knows?
Regardless of the outcome, I can't believe sometimes that I had a daughter. I know other people feel that way. I can't believe I had an extension of me, who was a girl...whos DNA coursed through her veins at one point, whos DNA I could SEE in her earthly shell once her veins had stopped carrying her blood. One who's body I clutched tightly until I couldn't anymore. Until I thought I had to give her away.
I am so proud of her, the things she has compelled me to do, for others, for myself, for her. She is making an impact even though she was here SO briefly and she's so far away...she is changing things for other people. Allowing them, through me, to have a better experience and to make the best out of a horrible unthinkable situation. She was wise beyond her existence and a kind, kindred soul. I am so glad to call her my daughter this mother's day.
I am so thankful for my boys. Shade is my light on a cloudy day and Isaac put the colors back in my heart and my world. through it all I remain blessed...the emotions I feel on a daily basis and the fight thats in my heart every day are hard to describe. I have such an intense love for my children here or there, it cannot be transitioned into words. I love them so much! And I love my own mother so much for instilling the ability to mother and love the way I do. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. She is the best friend I've ever had.
I'm a mother x3 because of Shade, Emma, & Isaac. Although one photo is filled full of sorrow...you can still see the same look all mothers get when they hold their child. The way they hold them in their hands and arms is the same...It is unwaivering, unbreakable, timeless love.
Thats what Mother's Day is.
xoxo
Fast forward to Mother's Day 2014, I was about 5 months pregnant with Emma. I had one of the best mother's days I had ever had. We bought our mothers some flowers to plant and we went out for some good food just me and my boys and Emma kicking around in my belly.
Fast forward to Mother's Day 2015 and my world had since fallen apart and been crushed by the boot of life. I was still a mother, nevertheless, but I was now missing the child I was supposed to have had, who would soon be turning 8 months old. She was gone. Just like that...Sure I'm thankful for my Shade, but that didn't take away the pain of Emma being so unfairly jerked away from me. I was pregnant with Isaac, about 4 months, but, I was still so in shock and disbelief I didn't believe he'd come home either.
Fast forward to Mother's Day 2016. I have Isaac here, happy and healthy and smiling from his stander while he's watching Color Crew on TV and Shade is sitting in the floor building legos by the door. Emma is still in Heaven, that has not changed.
There are many of us, not just me, who woke up this morning missing something. Who wake up every morning missing something. I have seen several posts today that have rubbed me the wrong way...people recognizing all kinds of different mothers, step mothers, infertile mothers (which most def deserves recognition) regular mothers, adopted mothers, etc but not mothers who have had their children and had to immediately or too soon - give their children back. Not bereaved mothers...now who would wanna mention that anyway?? I've seen it a LOT today.
Waking up and remembering Emma isn't here...is indescribable and yet I know several people who feel that same way, and who have just learned how that way feels this weekend. I feel that its incredibly unfair to lose a child on or around Mother's Day. As if their Mother's Day won't be horrible forever, this just adds salt to the wound. I have to question things at this point like any other person would.
I would like to hope that people who have all their children here with them are super thankful. That they realize how fast it can be stolen away from you. How fast your heart can be broken.
On every Mother's Day, my heart remains split in two. Part of its here, part of its there. I feel like I should have a sign on me that says I have a daughter who was here! Because I feel so bad that I can't tell literally everyone about her beautiful soul. That there are people who see me day in and day out who don't know about her. People who see me with my boys and assume I just have the two boys and how blessed I am to have the two boys. the infertile mom who sees me in public and is jealous and probably thinks I take my "two" kids for granted. Oh if they knew just how much I understood what its like to go without one of my children forever.
Society has started to recognize Bereaved Mothers, finally. So much so that now there is a separate, actual International Bereaved Mother's Day and it was on May 1st this year. How wonderful is it to know we are not alone? Although this is the worst experience for us, it is enlightening to know we're not by ourselves in our grief.
For those of you who this is your first Mother's Day without your precious child...I understand. I remember. I know how hard it is. I am thinking of you...would you think of me?
I miss my girl so badly, if only I could put it into words. As hard as I try, I can't. The closest I can come today is that it feels like someone cut a hole in your chest with a chainsaw, slowly. Is using their hand and long jagged fingernails to grasp your heart. Then they are slowly pulling it out, vein by vein, vessel by vessel, strand of flesh by strand. Its out now and they're stomping it and laughing. Grief is laughing at you and the devil is clapping and egging him on. Your hands are all but tied. Standing there forced to endure this feeling, forever. How do you spend forever without the one you were meant to love?
Today my plan aside from relaxing, is to go visit Emma's grave and make sure things are up to par there and to finally put her angel wings up I ordered forever ago, since it took me a million years to find the correct size shepherds hooks to hang it with. I take the fact I accidentally ran up on them as a little sign from her that she wants me to visit her resting place and that she knew I would need to this weekend. Truthfully, Mother's Day snuck up on me this year. I didn't know it was so close. Last year I spent weeks dreading it and hoping it wouldn't come. I wonder if when I'm thinking of her, she knows?
I'm sure all of us have been called "crazy" by someone or another. But in fact we are the strong ones, we are the ones who live day to day without one of our children and manage to go on. We are the ones who wake up every morning and re live someone's worst nightmare and still manage to go to work and care for other people or our children and a household and maintain what relationships we have left. People other than those who have been there definitely don't understand. If you know someone understands your pain, or you think that you would understand theirs, reach out to them. You never know if today is the day they will finally give in and decide to end it all if they're at that point. You don't know that just a small sentiment of how you're thinking about them or their child they're missing, can affect someone. I can tell you all the times I've received sentiments of people who were thinking about Emma or who said they saw this and that and it reminded them of her...people who never saw her or met her...you don't know how much it means. If you can do that for someone, do it.
Regardless of the outcome, I can't believe sometimes that I had a daughter. I know other people feel that way. I can't believe I had an extension of me, who was a girl...whos DNA coursed through her veins at one point, whos DNA I could SEE in her earthly shell once her veins had stopped carrying her blood. One who's body I clutched tightly until I couldn't anymore. Until I thought I had to give her away.
I am so proud of her, the things she has compelled me to do, for others, for myself, for her. She is making an impact even though she was here SO briefly and she's so far away...she is changing things for other people. Allowing them, through me, to have a better experience and to make the best out of a horrible unthinkable situation. She was wise beyond her existence and a kind, kindred soul. I am so glad to call her my daughter this mother's day.
I am so thankful for my boys. Shade is my light on a cloudy day and Isaac put the colors back in my heart and my world. through it all I remain blessed...the emotions I feel on a daily basis and the fight thats in my heart every day are hard to describe. I have such an intense love for my children here or there, it cannot be transitioned into words. I love them so much! And I love my own mother so much for instilling the ability to mother and love the way I do. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. She is the best friend I've ever had.
Thats what Mother's Day is.
xoxo
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