83 1/2 Tuesdays

Tuesday will be 84 Tuesdays since I saw Emma. 84 Tuesdays since I was the old me. 84 Tuesdays since I was able to smile and not feel guilty about it. 84 Tuesdays since I smiled without something other than pure happiness residing behind it.

Admittedly I am in a better spot than I was when I last wrote. I had to take a step back. I was regressing and I had to do something about it.

I had my wisdom teeth removed on February 29 and that was probably one of the scariest things I thought I was going to have to do since delivering Emma. Sounds ridiculous but I've always had a phobia of dental work. they were supposed to sedate me, but they gave me 1mg pushes of versed at a time which didn't do ANYTHING. Literally, anything. I prayed for peace and basically enough balls to get through it without kicking someone in the teeth. I will tell you what grief does, my friends. It intensifies everything. It creates an unmanageable anxiety level with something so simple. It made me SAD to get rid of those rotten stupid teeth I've had since I was 20. Literally, nothing in the world to do with Emma, but I got SAD that I was getting my wisdom teeth removed, just because it was something else I had while I had her that I was ridding myself of. Stupid stupid stupid. None of the people at the dentist understood it, or realized it...but that's why I didn't bring it up. Anyway, 4 wisdom teeth gone, and 8 cavities filled. never in my life had I ever had cavities until after I carried Emma. I'll gladly have taken a mouth full of rot to have known her.

In other news, I have lost 12 pounds. NOT by chance but by hard work and sweat. Dieting, exercising. I feel empowered when I exercise. When I am outside I feel close to Emma, I don't exactly know why or how but I do. And even more so when I'm running. I want my body healthy for the next baby I carry. 12 down and 18 to go. Just the other day I decided I would jog to her grave. Next time though I will make sure that I do this on a day when I don't have to work because it got too late and I got up there right at dark. A long time old friend of mine thought I would be safer if he came and got me and brought me home, as he had seen me on the way up.

On the way there, I saw a hill covered in a sea of white flowers and floating amongst them were the bright yellow ones. Anything yellow, anything purple.

A little further up the road, I had started actually jogging, and it started the uphill part of the road, that is uphill entirely until you reach the actual graveyard. Not just an incline but pretty uphill. I had to walk the rest of it, or well, climb it felt like by the time I had power walked and jogged that far. The wind kicked up for the first time that evening that I had noticed. It was like a set of hands, pushing me up the incline, as I wanted to give up...but it surpassed the weakness of my legs and lungs.

If I could tell you that Emma's hands were pushing me I would.

Once I got to the graveyard she had painted me a pretty sunset, that I watched from her bench at her grave.

Her butterflies that I bought for her grave a few weeks ago just happen to cycle one on purple and one on yellow every time they cycle through those colors. I always make sure to reiterate that I don't think Emma is here, at her grave, or that I don't really have a 'connection' with her here, but I can't lie...sometimes when I'm up there I do feel her there but I also think she's everywhere else too.

Never in my life would I have EVER stepped foot in a grave yard unless it was Halloween and there were at least 3 other people with me to keep me from going off the deep end lol. Now...not a big deal. As long as its this graveyard.

I plan to post my 'windchimes' story soon. it was something that was really strong feeling...and it deserves its own post.

Easter came and passed. Another holiday without Emma. Sometimes I still can't believe she's gone or that this is my life. I was talking with some other angel moms earlier and they were talking about how in hindsight, it looked like life was trying to prepare us for our losses. We just didn't know it. Like for instance, the feelings that I had during Emma's pregnancy, the memories I possess...its like I MADE memories with her, literally. I don't recall doing that with Shade and even Isaac. And I can't be sure that it wasn't just me realizing this because I lost her, or if it really was something different. Sights, sounds, smells, places, times, songs, anything you name it I can tell you that it reminds me of her and a time during my pregnancy. It seems as if I remember every single detail from her pregnancy. It wasn't even as well documented as Isaac's and even Shades, and I still remember more.

That jog I had, was originally for me to visit baby girl's grave, to see if the two easter eggs I put on her grave were still there. I had a note inside one of them that I planned on adding to her notes jar, if I could find it. And alas there they were.

I made this set. And then a duplicate set to add to the boys' Easter photos. I got partially ready Easter morning and then ran up here to add her eggs and take a photo. It was chilly and foggy and early but it was worth it to do this for her for Easter. It was last minute.

Here's where I let the eggs show up again:

How sweet are they? I can't believe I've been lucky enough to keep these two. My Shadey is growing up. He plays t-ball and everything now. I mean how can this be?

Look how sweet they are. Isaac is 6 months and he says "dada" and an array of other baby talk words. He loves his walker, to chew on things, baby food, bottles, grabbing things, eating in general, still sleeps through the night (albeit turning into a belly sleeper), and playing in his other toys like his swing, stander, high chair, sit-me-up, play mat, etc. He wears size 9-12 month clothing! How is life passing me by so quickly? What am I doing wrong?? What happens 30 years from now when I'm 60 and my nest is empty and my children are grown and giving me grandchildren that I don't even really get to ever see, not like I want to. How do you deal with that? I would think it would be a subtle and slow change but with the way life is passing me by, I figure that too will sneak up on me and in a couple years I'll be lonely, old, and sad. I pray God gives me the grace and patience to deal with what comes along with getting older because right now I'm terrified. It has nothing to do with the wrinkles and the illness and the looks and all that. Its solely because my children will leave me. I've already watched one leave me, I don't really want to do that again.

One last thing in closing. April 6, Merle Haggard passed away. I figure people think I'm silly for even mentioning it, but he has had a lasting impact on my life. Literally, from the time I could even hear and realize what music was, the Hag was in my ears and my life, pouring his soul out into mine. I grew up hearing it. 90% of my childhood and adolescence could be played out to a Hag soundtrack because life happened with him in the background. I didn't know the man. Never met him. Only saw him one time in person. But I felt like he was a part of my family or my friend that I'd known for 30 years. I think anything that you've had in your life that long would be hard to part with. He has brought me and my family many good memories and served as the soundtrack of the better part of my life. All I can think of is that now Emma, if she so happens to grow up without me, will at least have a good soundtrack in heaven. The Hag is entertaining there now instead of here. I would hope that I got to watch her grow up later...in the forever after. But I won't know that until I get there. For now I'll just dream and keep on believing that is how it will be.

Time goes so quick, she'll only look ahead for a second, and when she turns back around, there I'll be...

Rest In Peace, Hag.

4/6/37 - 4/6/16

The way I am don't fit my shackles. The way I am, reality. I can almost see that bobber dancin'. But I just dream and keep on bein' the way I am.

xoxo