You Can Keep Me...
...Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans, holding me closely 'til our eyes meet, you won't ever be alone. Wait for me to come home...
Just the other day I visited Emma's grave. I waited all day until Tommy got home from work at dusk to go visit her. I hadn't been since before Christmas. I was ashamed of myself. I am still ashamed of myself. Time and life got in the way, and then weather. Every time I'd get the free chance between work and the boys, it would snow or rain. Anyway, I went up there and as per the last few visits, I took my phone with me to play her some music, or well, play some music up there. As I was walking toward her grave of course the one that I felt I should play was one I have been repeatedly playing up there "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran. There's also "Small Bump" that I play as well and a whole list of others but always those two. I always lay my phone down on her grave and sit on the bench. I usually bury my face in my coat or hands or hoodie or whatever and just take in the pain.
It sounds odd.
But...I'm so, uncomfortably numb, that sometimes I need to purposely hurt, feel, to know that I'm still alive. I realize that sounds like a Goo Goo Dolls song from the 90's, but its true. I say 'uncomfortably' numb because the regular saying 'comfortably numb' doesn't fit it, because when I'm like that, I an NOT comfortable. I am so used to hurting deep to my core, being depressed, missing her, that it becomes commonplace and I begin to lose touch of what I should be doing. I begin to forget to mourn, and just operate on auto-pilot. So sometimes I force myself to look at photos of when I was pregnant, when she was born, from before my life was shattered, read back on old blogs from early in my grief, go to her grave, do something specifically that I know will be hard for me, something that I know will hurt. So I can feel. So I can feel her, close to me, when I feel distant. I watch my life slowly fall apart when I don't allow myself to be close to my grief, in all aspects. After visiting her grave, well, during, my phone went dead, and I think that was a sign of her telling her mommy to get up and go see the sunset, because I had wanted to go see it as I could tell the colors were beautifully painted across the sky, but if I hung around the graveyard any longer, they'd be whisked way by the darkness. I think she was giving me a little push.
(No filter)
So I took off driving on up through the mountain and over the strip job to the tippy top as far as I could get at the time and on one side was beautiful pink and blue colors. The other side was a lovely shade of coral with the winter sun beaming behind it. I got out and took some photos with my phone and enjoyed the atmosphere. Then I drove back and returned to life as it was, tanning bed, back home to my boys to straighten up the house and hang out for the rest of the evening.
Two days later, I saw a beautiful sunrise on the 2nd floor of the hospital when I went to grab my breakfast. All things beautiful in nature of course as you know, and I have reiterated, remind me of Emma.
I have guilt for not being able to always blog on Tuesdays. Its Monday. I haven't blogged in weeks. I let my heart guide me, though. If I 'force' myself to blog on Tuesdays, I find its not always sincere and its not always as good as it might be when I just get a calling to blog. However, I do find that if I go ahead and bite the bullet and blog when I otherwise wouldn't want to, that I end up connecting with my grief more and its more healthy for me. I am going to try to blog more for that very reason. I feel more connected to her and healthier in general when I blog.
Life update:
I've lost 3 lbs roughly doing a calorie counting regimen and exercising. I am trying out HIIT exercise right now and I spent around an hour last night doing that after work @ the gym and it was very hardcore and brutal, much like a t25 or p90x program, which I guess is why they work so well. I may not be losing weight at the rate that I want to because I am working out but I am trying to focus on cardio more than strength training for that reason. Regardless, I can already see a difference. I've been dedicated to doing this for 20 days now and 3lb isn't bad. Fridays are my weigh day, so hopefully I will have lost more soon.
Isaac has his 4 month shots soon, and Shade has went back full force from winter break and bad weather to pre-school and everything is going well. We got new appliances for the kitchen and I'm super stoked about that. I purchased my season tickets to Kings Island and I'll get to go for the first time in over 2 years this spring, I hope to make many trips.
I have been in contact with many facilities regarding the cuddle cot and NILMDTS services and am excited to meet with staff and put bereavement options in place for these wonderful patients and parents.
I'm halfway through my stillbirthday doula classes!
I will place the first cuddle cot in eastern ky at MMH very soon!
I am doing things in honor my baby girl and that feels great. I am impatiently awaiting spring time.
xoxo
Just the other day I visited Emma's grave. I waited all day until Tommy got home from work at dusk to go visit her. I hadn't been since before Christmas. I was ashamed of myself. I am still ashamed of myself. Time and life got in the way, and then weather. Every time I'd get the free chance between work and the boys, it would snow or rain. Anyway, I went up there and as per the last few visits, I took my phone with me to play her some music, or well, play some music up there. As I was walking toward her grave of course the one that I felt I should play was one I have been repeatedly playing up there "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran. There's also "Small Bump" that I play as well and a whole list of others but always those two. I always lay my phone down on her grave and sit on the bench. I usually bury my face in my coat or hands or hoodie or whatever and just take in the pain.
It sounds odd.
But...I'm so, uncomfortably numb, that sometimes I need to purposely hurt, feel, to know that I'm still alive. I realize that sounds like a Goo Goo Dolls song from the 90's, but its true. I say 'uncomfortably' numb because the regular saying 'comfortably numb' doesn't fit it, because when I'm like that, I an NOT comfortable. I am so used to hurting deep to my core, being depressed, missing her, that it becomes commonplace and I begin to lose touch of what I should be doing. I begin to forget to mourn, and just operate on auto-pilot. So sometimes I force myself to look at photos of when I was pregnant, when she was born, from before my life was shattered, read back on old blogs from early in my grief, go to her grave, do something specifically that I know will be hard for me, something that I know will hurt. So I can feel. So I can feel her, close to me, when I feel distant. I watch my life slowly fall apart when I don't allow myself to be close to my grief, in all aspects. After visiting her grave, well, during, my phone went dead, and I think that was a sign of her telling her mommy to get up and go see the sunset, because I had wanted to go see it as I could tell the colors were beautifully painted across the sky, but if I hung around the graveyard any longer, they'd be whisked way by the darkness. I think she was giving me a little push.
So I took off driving on up through the mountain and over the strip job to the tippy top as far as I could get at the time and on one side was beautiful pink and blue colors. The other side was a lovely shade of coral with the winter sun beaming behind it. I got out and took some photos with my phone and enjoyed the atmosphere. Then I drove back and returned to life as it was, tanning bed, back home to my boys to straighten up the house and hang out for the rest of the evening.
Two days later, I saw a beautiful sunrise on the 2nd floor of the hospital when I went to grab my breakfast. All things beautiful in nature of course as you know, and I have reiterated, remind me of Emma.
I have guilt for not being able to always blog on Tuesdays. Its Monday. I haven't blogged in weeks. I let my heart guide me, though. If I 'force' myself to blog on Tuesdays, I find its not always sincere and its not always as good as it might be when I just get a calling to blog. However, I do find that if I go ahead and bite the bullet and blog when I otherwise wouldn't want to, that I end up connecting with my grief more and its more healthy for me. I am going to try to blog more for that very reason. I feel more connected to her and healthier in general when I blog.
Life update:
I've lost 3 lbs roughly doing a calorie counting regimen and exercising. I am trying out HIIT exercise right now and I spent around an hour last night doing that after work @ the gym and it was very hardcore and brutal, much like a t25 or p90x program, which I guess is why they work so well. I may not be losing weight at the rate that I want to because I am working out but I am trying to focus on cardio more than strength training for that reason. Regardless, I can already see a difference. I've been dedicated to doing this for 20 days now and 3lb isn't bad. Fridays are my weigh day, so hopefully I will have lost more soon.
Isaac has his 4 month shots soon, and Shade has went back full force from winter break and bad weather to pre-school and everything is going well. We got new appliances for the kitchen and I'm super stoked about that. I purchased my season tickets to Kings Island and I'll get to go for the first time in over 2 years this spring, I hope to make many trips.
I have been in contact with many facilities regarding the cuddle cot and NILMDTS services and am excited to meet with staff and put bereavement options in place for these wonderful patients and parents.
I'm halfway through my stillbirthday doula classes!
I will place the first cuddle cot in eastern ky at MMH very soon!
I am doing things in honor my baby girl and that feels great. I am impatiently awaiting spring time.
xoxo
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