Why I've Got You On My Mind
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
I'm not sure if its the holiday season approaching, or hormones ( I have good reason to think that this plays a huge part in my mood currently ) or just general me missing Emma, but this week I have been especially sentimental.
I did something that I wouldn't outwardly tell anyone. I didn't even tell Tommy or my Mom. I put all of Emma's headbands/bows on Isaac one day when I was changing his diaper. I just wanted to see how they looked on a living, breathing baby. I laid some of her little outfits on top of him just to see how they looked against pink skin. I feel like a lunatic, but that was healing for me in some way. This whole thing has just made me a whole other shade of insane.
This week I've missed her so badly. I've felt especially distant, and I've felt especially stuck. Stuck in a rut with my grief, unable to come to terms with the fact that this may never pass. They say "this too shall pass" which stems from the verse quoted above. I don't think that when they thought of this verse, that it applies to this type of grief. It could apply to almost everything else, but this will not pass. In fact, it seems as if it gets worse at times. I have heard that grief comes in waves.
That much is true. Some days I feel on top of the world, with the exception of when my thoughts wander to Emma. Which is frequently every day, but most of the time they're good thoughts of how beautiful she was, how it felt to hold her, how that I do have a baby girl. Then other days I remember how beautiful that she was and the fact I'll never see her again and will never hold her again, and that I have a baby girl but I have to wait a literal lifetime and eternity to see her again. However many more years I have to live, which I hope is a long, long time, because I couldn't bare to leave Shade & Isaac, I have to wait, to see her face again. And then there's whether or not she'll be a baby when I see her again or if not only did I have to suffer through her death, but I also will be disappointed to realize she's grown up without me, her childhood long since passed without my knowing. I didn't get to raise my baby girl. I lost her and her childhood and all of her firsts. I pray wholeheartedly that I will meet her as a newborn, she will know I'm her mommy, and I will get to raise her as I was intended. My Heaven would be just that- me at my youthful prime, the age I was when I lost her, in Heaven, raising her as a newborn. And as my other children follow behind me to Heaven, I will know them too, I will know them as they are in their youthful prime and we will live everlastingly in our prime, together, forever. All I know is that this week I have missed her, so so much, more than usual.
I hope this year's Christmas Eve will be better than last. I plan to treat myself that day on the way to work since I have to work, and I work an 11a shift even though I go to day shift next week. Last year I had a mental breakdown, panic attack, and an overall crap day.
Then I remember yes I have Shade and Isaac but there will be days to come where I don't get to touch their little cheeks and admire their perfect features. They will be too old. They will grow up and leave me. They won't lay across my lap and sleep. They won't yell at me to come help them or rely on me to help feed, bathe, clothe, and teach them. 90% of the time I am just glad to have them here and alive and healthy. Other times I get so depressed because nothing is permanent. I am not sure if this is the general side effects of aging, or if this is something that is exacerbated by losing Emma. I know I am not done having children. I am unsure if my desire to bring new life into this world will fade with age, and I will begin to be content with my children the ages they are and be done with new lives. I can't fit any more bodies in my home right now, and I will probably never have the means to build on. So the plan is to look for other residency maybe in the next couple years, because I feel like if I build my life around my children, everything else will fall into place.
It is cold today, for the first time. Halfway through December and its finally 32 degrees. Its been snow flurrying. I've been living in some sort of fantasy world where its 60+ degrees in December. Maybe I thought it would stay that way.
I've been working on weight loss, just being here at work and moving around a lot more has helped a bit. I had been walking on the treadmill after work but Tommy had the flu, and it gummed up the flow of things, as I needed to be home as soon as I could to relieve him of childcare duties. I plan to start back once I go to day shift again, and walk at least once a week if not after every shift. After the holidays I plan to make a much better effort at watching my calories as well. I have been doing this but just not as strict. I can already see a difference in the bloating I have. I still need new scrub bottoms, lol. I would love to get more motivated to lose weight and tone up, but I feel like that motivation won't come until after the holidays.
My mind is always all over the place, what can I say.
xoxo
I'm not sure if its the holiday season approaching, or hormones ( I have good reason to think that this plays a huge part in my mood currently ) or just general me missing Emma, but this week I have been especially sentimental.
I did something that I wouldn't outwardly tell anyone. I didn't even tell Tommy or my Mom. I put all of Emma's headbands/bows on Isaac one day when I was changing his diaper. I just wanted to see how they looked on a living, breathing baby. I laid some of her little outfits on top of him just to see how they looked against pink skin. I feel like a lunatic, but that was healing for me in some way. This whole thing has just made me a whole other shade of insane.
This week I've missed her so badly. I've felt especially distant, and I've felt especially stuck. Stuck in a rut with my grief, unable to come to terms with the fact that this may never pass. They say "this too shall pass" which stems from the verse quoted above. I don't think that when they thought of this verse, that it applies to this type of grief. It could apply to almost everything else, but this will not pass. In fact, it seems as if it gets worse at times. I have heard that grief comes in waves.
That much is true. Some days I feel on top of the world, with the exception of when my thoughts wander to Emma. Which is frequently every day, but most of the time they're good thoughts of how beautiful she was, how it felt to hold her, how that I do have a baby girl. Then other days I remember how beautiful that she was and the fact I'll never see her again and will never hold her again, and that I have a baby girl but I have to wait a literal lifetime and eternity to see her again. However many more years I have to live, which I hope is a long, long time, because I couldn't bare to leave Shade & Isaac, I have to wait, to see her face again. And then there's whether or not she'll be a baby when I see her again or if not only did I have to suffer through her death, but I also will be disappointed to realize she's grown up without me, her childhood long since passed without my knowing. I didn't get to raise my baby girl. I lost her and her childhood and all of her firsts. I pray wholeheartedly that I will meet her as a newborn, she will know I'm her mommy, and I will get to raise her as I was intended. My Heaven would be just that- me at my youthful prime, the age I was when I lost her, in Heaven, raising her as a newborn. And as my other children follow behind me to Heaven, I will know them too, I will know them as they are in their youthful prime and we will live everlastingly in our prime, together, forever. All I know is that this week I have missed her, so so much, more than usual.
I hope this year's Christmas Eve will be better than last. I plan to treat myself that day on the way to work since I have to work, and I work an 11a shift even though I go to day shift next week. Last year I had a mental breakdown, panic attack, and an overall crap day.
Then I remember yes I have Shade and Isaac but there will be days to come where I don't get to touch their little cheeks and admire their perfect features. They will be too old. They will grow up and leave me. They won't lay across my lap and sleep. They won't yell at me to come help them or rely on me to help feed, bathe, clothe, and teach them. 90% of the time I am just glad to have them here and alive and healthy. Other times I get so depressed because nothing is permanent. I am not sure if this is the general side effects of aging, or if this is something that is exacerbated by losing Emma. I know I am not done having children. I am unsure if my desire to bring new life into this world will fade with age, and I will begin to be content with my children the ages they are and be done with new lives. I can't fit any more bodies in my home right now, and I will probably never have the means to build on. So the plan is to look for other residency maybe in the next couple years, because I feel like if I build my life around my children, everything else will fall into place.
It is cold today, for the first time. Halfway through December and its finally 32 degrees. Its been snow flurrying. I've been living in some sort of fantasy world where its 60+ degrees in December. Maybe I thought it would stay that way.
I've been working on weight loss, just being here at work and moving around a lot more has helped a bit. I had been walking on the treadmill after work but Tommy had the flu, and it gummed up the flow of things, as I needed to be home as soon as I could to relieve him of childcare duties. I plan to start back once I go to day shift again, and walk at least once a week if not after every shift. After the holidays I plan to make a much better effort at watching my calories as well. I have been doing this but just not as strict. I can already see a difference in the bloating I have. I still need new scrub bottoms, lol. I would love to get more motivated to lose weight and tone up, but I feel like that motivation won't come until after the holidays.
My mind is always all over the place, what can I say.
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment