My funny little fella & etc.

I'm not sure where he gets his humor, but Shade keeps us rolling. It truly is the highlight of my day. I could legitimately talk about him all day. Which, I suppose, is a trait all mommies possess. Lol. I seriously have to start recording more of his shenanigans, on the daily because I sit here trying to remember what the few things were I wanted to mention and now I can't. 10 years from now, I surely won't. And since I'm not lucky enough to be a sahm, I miss a lot. I should record what little I do observe for my fickle memory to read about later on. I remember how nice it was to read back on entries from my late teenage years and early 20s from the old LiveJournal. I can't imagine how rewarding it will be to virtually reminisce on my half grown children's shenanigans 10 or 15 years from now. 

Every time we watch sons of Anarchy,  the theme song, which we hate, lol.... Shade will start yelling "turn it quietly!! I can't hear my ipad!! & he will run from wherever he is in the house to say this near the TV over top of the song. We usually always mute it, but we've been letting it play to annoy him LOL! He said some weird gibberish in his sleep last night. Just woke up and demanded something. Neither of us know what it was lol. His little voice is just my heart song.

Speaking of that, not only did I never know I could love someone so much, and never did I think I would sit and dwell on the fact of how fast he's growing up on me, and I already wonder what I'm even going to do 10 years or even 5 years from now when he will probably want zilch to do with me ...but I'm getting ready to start over again, with another brand new little life that I'll be responsible for. How in the world? A couple questions ...
How will I find enough room in my heart to love both of them? I feel like I can't love anything else ever because I love him so much.
How do I deal with the fact that it's not going to be just me and Shadey anymore? I grieve over this all the time. Didn't bother me much until time started winding down, and now it's less than 5 days at the most until Emma arrives. Which still seems like a lifetime, but it's not. I can't keep him from a sibling, life is lonely as a child without a brother or sister. Unfortunately, I feel like the only sibling that I give a flying fart about has drifted from me, but that's a whole nother blog. But, I also don't know how I feel about sharing my heart with someone else. I realize this sounds incredibly selfish. Trust me.

In a way, I am so excited to see the change that will take place in our little family. Shade has went from not really knowing what a little sister is, to realizing he's getting one, to knowing she's really a tiny baby in my belly, and I don't think he knows how close it is and how he will actually be holding her very soon. I'm really excited to see him holding her and his reaction to her and to see him fall in love with her. Hell, I'm excited for that for myself. But seeing my own special little boy, that I am so in love with that I think about 24/7 love another human being that I will feel the same way about is sure to be amazing. But, in the back of my mind, I always am wondering if I will struggle...or grieve. Or be so overjoyed with love that it'll be indescribable. I suppose I'll adjust in a few days or weeks. I hope I adjust in the 6 weeks I plan to take off work.

I wish I could stay home with them. To give them the attention I know children deserve from their mommies. Especially mommies who love their children as much as I do. My mom & dad always worked when  I was a child. I never knew the difference. I understood. Never questioned it. And I'm sure mine will be the same. However, *I* know the difference.  I know how amazing it is to stay home with shade. I only did it for about 4 months this winter and early spring. Despite the fact we struggled greatly and were so financially strained it made it very hard on us, it was one of the times I will most cherish. I truly wish our income, although our finances are improving of late- would support me staying home until I at least finish nurse practitioner school. But I have honestly found a job I love. I don't love it nearly as much as id love to stay home with shade and Emma. But in order to provide the things we need and want, even with improving our finances, it still takes both us working. If we could get rid of one vehicle, we could do it without me working. However, in this day & age.. that's not practical. If only Tommy's element were due to be paid off sooner than in 3 years. Lol. Ah well. This is what my blogging comes to sometimes. Foolishness. Thoughts and aspirations that do nothing but annoy me. :/

Anyway, if I don't blog again before September 3rd... I'll be a mommy of two. That's crazy, yall.

Xoxo